2010 New Year’s Key Verse & Testimony

(Written during Young Disciples Conference, Dec 31, 2009-Jan 2, 2010)

2010 Key Verse:: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” (1 Corinthians 13:11)

2009 was, in all honesty, a big disappointment. That is what I think of when I think of this past year. A lot of bad things happened and already terrible situations got worse, and it is very hard to find the good. There was some, of course: for instance, at the Toledo UBF Spring Bible Conference here at Michindoh, I wrote, revised (several times), and shared my life testimony. Through that experience, I was able to examine my life so far and found the key verse Ephesians 2:10: “For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” I had realized that my faith was my own and not the product of my parents’ or anyone else’s work; that God had raised me in a Christian home and in the environment He had so that I could do what He wants me to accomplish in the future: “good works, prepared in advance for me to do.”

Later that spring however, that was shaken. My father, a pastor of many years, was “let go” from the church we had spent 7 years serving. Certain members used many superficial excuses to be rid of my father and our family, and to avoid conflict my father resigned in May. I felt a great sense of hurt and betrayal, and it angered me. I wondered who I could trust, if not the people of God—people I thought had the same ideals and hopes and dreams for our little town of Dundee. I was fortunate in this, as it gave me the opportunity to attend Sunday services at UBF without being conflicted between supporting my father and leaving the church I felt led to serve, but still I was unhappy.

Through the spring and summer, I struggled to maintain an optimistic outlook and a desire to follow God and be faithful to Bible study and attending worship service. The shadow of our church’s betrayal still hurt me deep inside, but I hid it from everyone, including God (though He already knew). I attended UBF events regularly and even went to the Great Lakes Region Summer Bible Conference, but it was hard to truly feel worshipful and on fire. This continued even into the fall semester, and though my shepherdess tried to help me I refused to let her or any other leaders in until I was asked to share my testimony one student night.

After a long talk with my shepherdess and Dr. Paul Hong, I came to realize through Luke 8:22-25 that Jesus can calm the storms in our life. I wrote about and shared my hidden struggle with my father’s situation with our UBF chapter, and it was a freeing experience. I felt like I could worship freely again now that this great weight had been lifted from my heart. I began to lead group Bible study during our Narrowgate student group meetings, I prayed for our sister’s ministry and watched God work as He grew our sisters in number and in faithfulness, and things seemed spiritually okay.

However, I remained apathetic about my schoolwork and my grades began to suffer. I have been struggling for the last year or so about my major, because I feel like I cannot keep up with the work and do not enjoy it enough to make a career of it; however I’m now in my third year and would feel like I had wasted all that time were I to switch now, not to mention the looming sense of failure at having essentially run away from my career choice with my tail between my legs. I passed my classes but barely scraped by in my engineering courses, and cannot seem to make myself care about anything, including God. By the end of this semester I had let my heart become burdened again, and I distanced myself (in my heart and sometimes even physically) from my family, my friends, the ministry, and God. I let my part-time job run my life and my own desires get in the way of my spiritual growth because I could not feel anything but an emptiness in my heart. I tried to fill it with activities, friends, my own creative pursuits, but the happiness only lasted for a short time—like breaths of wind.

Through this conference, I have thought very deeply about God’s calling for my life and that I have been made for more than just school, work, or being a good friend. God does not want my halfhearted efforts to please Him; he wants all of me. He wants me to talk with Him, to be honest with Him, to give Him my all and everything. For a very long time I have been afraid to take that step and give up myself. I have avoided responsibility for a very long time—responsibilities at home, at school, in Narrowgate and as a growing leader. I have wasted a lot of time running away. Like Jonah, I have been running away from God and away from my choices and their consequences. I have been very selfish, very unforgiving, very impatient, very cowardly, and very immature. In a word, I have been childish.

Even the very day I left for YDC, my mother asked me if I had proven to her and my father that I was truly twenty-one years old. She was not talking of my actual physical years but my maturity level. My parents, more than anyone but for God, know how juvenile my behavior, mentality, and outlook is—and I believe, in my heart of hearts, that I have known it all along. I have been afraid to admit it because I don’t know how to fix it on my own, and I rely on my own power far too much.

But I am tired of relying on myself and failing. I don’t want to endure this terrible loneliness and sense of worthlessness anymore. I was made for more than this—I was made to live, and Jesus died that I might “live life to the full” (John 10:10). I cannot be irresponsibly wasting the precious time I have here on earth. That is why I have taken 1 Corinthians 13:11 as my 2010 Key Verse: I want to grow, and to put these childish ways behind me. I want God’s work to be done in me and for Him to be able to use me the way He wants I must give up control. In a way, I am leaving my “home country,” as Abraham did, and following God to the land He will guide me to. I do not yet know where that is, when He will call, or what He will have me do in the future, but I want to be a dependable vessel when He does.

I know this is not an easy change to make. Such a change means brutal honesty, openness, vulnerability, humility, patience, hard work, perseverance, and sacrifice. It means I cannot rely on myself any longer, but put my faith, my hope, my joy on the only one who can give me strength through this transformation. I pray that God will help me to hold this verse dear to my heart and to remain faithful not just throughout 2010 but to make this change and maintain and grow this newfound maturity to the end of my days. May God help me to keep my resolution to do better in school, to finish my degree and graduate, and to grow closer to Him this year.

One Word: Grow in Christ and put childish ways behind me.